Trust

Wow, I was scrolling back through this blog and thinking "man, I really need to lighten up!" I realize for all the little prayers I've prayed, I'm still not trusting God's will for my life. I'm obsessing over everything and holding on to it like it was gold. The truth is for the past 2 to 2 1/2 years our lives have been in constant turmoil and struggle. Why? What is it that God's trying to teach us? I keep asking this question and saying it can't just be about trust -- it has to be something more major, but maybe that is exactly what it's all about. Trusting someone you can't physically see or touch is mind blowing, allowing them complete control over your life is almost unfathomable.

Have you ever thought about people who get caught up in cults and follow these zealous leaders to their death? They have mind blowing trust -- even though it's misplaced -- it's still mind blowing trust. So why is it that I can't seem to let go of the reins? I can look back over my life and I can pinpoint places where God has provided in amazing and miraculous ways.

In 1989 I had a 3 year old child and a husband who left. Just walked out the door and said, "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be a husband and father right now." Granted our relationship had never been stable, but we were still married and connected. So, here I was a very young mother, with a small child and completely on my own. Then a short time later (on Zach's 4th birthday) a tornado struck the mobile home we were living in (while we were home) and totally destroyed it. We were very blessed to only have cuts and bruises, but we lost everything we had -- clothes, toys, everything. The only thing we walked away with were the clothes we had on and Zachary's beloved "blankie" which he never put down except to take a bath, and our lives. In the span of a few weeks I lost my family, my home and my possessions. It was a horrible time in my life and I never thought I would recover. I remember telling a Christian counselor I was seeing at the time that I just wanted my life back.

I can't imagine having that life back now. You see God provided what was best for me. He spared my life and the life of my child, he got me out of a mobile home I couldn't afford to pay for, he reconnected me with my immediate family, and then eventually he gave me a new family -- a wonderful husband and another son, he also gave me a brand new home.

I couldn't see that 19 years ago. I want to see it today! I want to trust him with my life. I want every fiber of me to let go and let God. Even when the answer is NO, even when he shuts the door on my pursuits, even when my heart is breaking into a million pieces, I want to trust him completely.

Okay, it's still heavy stuff, but my heart's a little lighter!